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Complex Family Blog
When Your Ex's Partner is Stepparent
If you're a parent, you'll want to try practicing what I'm about to share with you ... and I admit, it's often far easier said than done. If you're a stepparent, then most likely you'll want to feel this from your stepchildren and their biological parents.
Giving permission for your children to love both homes equally, but uniquely, includes loving everyone inside these two places. This is achieved through the power of your actions, and then backed up by your words – and not the other way around.
You do this because without it your children will feel they still live within a split and broken home, and your children deserve the opportunity to thrive in a Complex Family, not a broken one.
Inside the Mind of Stepparents; A Unique Perspective; Our Stepparents View. 
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Your children deserve to be given the freedom to decide for themselves if their stepparent is adding, rather than subtracting from their life and the life of their other parent.
Your children deserve to be free from the adult complexities, love their stepparent for all they bring, and not have to focus on the could, would, or ought to have been.
For your children to be free to make their own assessment of life between two homes, you need to begin educating them towards How to think, rather than What to think - a powerful difference their adult years will appreciate, as it will give strength and conviction to their choices. Your children learn this vital process as they observe varying personal values being lived, watch the consequences, and benefit from the experience.
If you pollute their minds with tales of woe about their stepparents' influence, you will dilute the power of natural learning.
Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.
PS: If you've got questions or comments about stepparenting challenges, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.
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Kids are a great window into the other home ... sadly often exploited by their innocence of comment. Clearly you knew where you stood early on in the picture with a comment like that coming out. In hindsight, we can chuckle, however while in it, it can become
quite consuming on the emotions.
Perhaps to answer your first question - How do you get the children's mother to read this? You could offer it or hope someone else will find it and give it to them to read. There's all sorts of ways to get the information to them ... however, for them to be
ready to read it and do something about it could be different.
The best way you can help the situation is always be the person that brings greatness to the relationship with her children, and the children's father - your partner. You cannot solve the relationship issues between the children's parents but you can be highly
influential in the relationship with them and their father.
Give permission for the children to hold confidence with their mother. Give them permission to like you - just as you - because you're in their life and not because of a position you hold. If you try to have children love you because you're their father's partner,
they can hate you because you've also got the role of not being their mother. While the role can be important, too much emphasis on it (and not on you as a person) will place you on the back-foot.
I hope this helps - and I look forward to hearing how you get on...
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
I am now 5 years further down the line. The youngest 2 children accept me for what I am but the older ones still "take sides" and the poison is more towards their father which makes me feel sad. I am an older stepmother, my kids are all grown and I was a stepchild
myself, so have experience from both sides of the fence. I do not expect love from any of the children, just respect from them whilst they are living in our home, they are duly shown respect for their own opinions whether I agree with them or not. I know first
hand how comments from one parent against the other hurts you as a child (my mum was a past master at this), I just feel sorry that I am playing a part in them having to go through this.
Anne
life a little more like their father, not their mother (if they ever do).
As for you feeling sad that you're playing part in their life story - I can encourage you to love the opportunity to heal your own hurts caused from your parents - and be sure to turn this all into a learning journey for the children. Chances are, handled well,
they could be inspirational for other children who don't have parents who can help at all ... you are blessed with the opportunity to lead them into strong life lessons early! :o)
Thanks again - and I look forward to the time when our paths may cross in person.
Warmest Jill