My Ex Calls Our Kids Every Day ... It's So Invasive!

This is one of the most common irritations for both a Leaver and a Leavee - and sometimes also the children. Many parents have ended up fighting with their kids in an effort to make them talk on the phone to their other parent. Completely disinterested, the child reluctantly comes to the phone and leaves the phoning parent feeling a tad disappointed and disconnected.

Staying in contact with your children on a daily basis is often important during the early stages of separation, especially when they are young. However, it is natural for your kids to be focused on who they are currently with, and they, more often than not, adopt an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality. It is therefore questionable exactly who it is that needs the calls; is it the parents or the children?

To avoid this constant irritation, the parent who has the day-to-day care of the child needs to accept that both the Ex and the children may have a strong desire to stay in contact. This said, it's reasonable to put some predictable timeframes on when it will be least disruptive to the family's flow.

For the parent who makes the calls, ask yourself, "Am I building independence for my children, or a neediness?".  In a complex family, non-daily contact with your kids is a byproduct of this environment and one you are best to quickly accept...

Co-Parenting Childcare & Custody Routines; Day-to-day care and the routines that really work.

If your children are secure in knowing they are free to reach you when they need you, they are less likely to need to, and more likely to want too.

If you can grant them this freedom, and become comfortable with contact during your established routines, you will help to remove complications such as guilt, emotional manipulation, or interpreted pestering. The other benefit gained from such ease is that it will diminish your kid's constant hankering to be somewhere else other than where they currently are. Practice in resolving these issues now will greatly assist them throughout their lives.

Trying to solve the constant contact problem by mobile phones does not so much provide a solution, but rather opts to avoid the irritations and neediness experienced by either parent. While it's convenient for parents and children to keep in touch via mobiles, it is a poor substitute for dealing with any insecurity we may feel because we are not in daily contact with our children.

I spent much of my early separated years demanding that my kids come and talk to their dad on the phone as he called on his way home from work. His phone call normally came at a time inconvenient for the kids and me, and always left me feeling frustrated. I had to deal with my frustration, but did my Ex discover the calls were more for him than the kids, and realise he was often left with the feeling they were disinterested? I don't know, but eventually the calls were replaced with a natural security; they all came to know they could make contact when they wanted to, rather than following a preset schedule.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments about tips 'n tricks in your complex family, then I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.