How do I talk with my children about sexuality?

For many of our generation, at best, we were handed a book and left to sort the rest out for ourselves. We gleaned information from our friends or snippets from movies and magazines to fill in the gaps, and we hoped the rest would all follow quite naturally. Obviously, as you are a parent, you have at least experienced sexual intimacy - however it may or may not automatically follow that you are comfortable to talk about it.

It is important to talk with your children (especially teens) about sexuality - and to do this regularly. It's a real mistake to think that a one-off fact talk on the 'birds and bees' will give your physically maturing teen enough perspective and the emotional maturity to make wise choices. If you constantly talk to them about sexuality and their 'love lives', you can overdo it, place undue pressure on them, or send signals of overprotective parents lurking in their intimate domain. Strive for balance; this will be different for each family, and for each child within the family, so here are a few pointers to help you along...

• Does your child talk about sex (or sexuality in some form) frequently (daily or weekly)? 
If they do, they need to feel free to communicate with you about their questions, concerns, and intrigues. If not, this doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to know about sexuality; more likely, they want the security that you are able to create a safe or accessible zone for them when they are ready to discuss something so intimate.
• What type of movies, books, or media does your child choose? 
If they are exposed to adult sexual acts while they are pre-adolescent, you are wise to direct their attention elsewhere. If they are teens and overly pursuing this, you need to add balance and turn their attention to broader horizons.
• Does your teen show unusual levels of embarrassment or disengagement with sexuality? 
This may mean they have insufficient confidence in their relationship with you to communicate with you about sex when they need too. If this is the case, they will turn to alternative sources.

Talking with your children about sexuality can sometimes call on you, as parent, to take a deep breath and keep a poker face - to avoid blurting out "You What?!" on the impulse to call a full-scale emergency. It's worth it; if you struggle with awkwardness, find a way to talk while you're doing something that doesn't take your concentration, but allows you to keep your eyes and energy focused elsewhere. You could go for a long drive, roast marshmallows over an open fire, or simply walk along a beach or park together. It is about creating an environment where steps of trust and respect can be shared.

Your children only need to know what is appropriate for their stage of development and experience. If they are not physically involved in sex, you do not need to explore the intricacies of sexual encounters or positions; however, you can expand on their concepts of sexuality to include both the emotional and spiritual components, and give them a more balanced and complete picture.

How to Talk to Your Children About Sexuality; Sex talk for the teen who thinks they know it all.

Some things to avoid:

• Avoid trying to scare them into abstaining - it will come back to bite you as their own experience may well contradict the scaring tactics; you will have lost credibility and damaged the potential for important communication in the future. Consider too, don't you want your adult children to have healthy and harmonious sexual relationships? Lies now can deeply affect their experiences later.
• Avoid being overly protective - this is their choice, their life, and their bodies. While you want to give them all the good reasons to make wise choices, sometimes the only way they realise what you are saying makes sense is to try it for themselves. Your reaction to this will determine how far you will be included when they have future problems to solve.
• Avoid living a poor example for them to follow. Sometimes this period of a child's development collides with your release from the unhappy marital relationship, and you can be tempted to make up for lost time. While this is entirely your own choice, make sure your children do not become the innocent watchers of a bedroom's revolving door. This does not foster physical, emotional, and spiritual sexual intimacy, but rather downgrades it to a display of fulfiling our simplistic animalistic urges.

Talking with your children about sexuality needs to be kept comfortable and respectful. They need to know very little of your own life story - as most children would rather believe they too came from a virgin birth than imagine their parents 'doing it'. When they feel comfortable to talk with you about their experiences, you will probably know more than you really wanted to; but consider the alternatives, and be grateful you have the opportunity to openly influence them.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.