How do I stop the gossip about me and my Ex?!

Part of what we go through when a relationship ends is acknowledging that it is not only about us and our children; it affects our family and friends as well. The demise of your relationship provides an opportunity for others to express their judgements about what could have, should have, or ought to have been. It is normal for your mixed emotions to be highlighted by the conversations or actions of others, especially when it comes from within your trusted and respected friendships.

The important part of this situation is not so much the defending, but rather asking yourself what are you saying or doing that would encourage others to speak negatively about your Ex? Although it may feel comforting to complain about your Ex, it doesn't take very long for this to become normal behaviour with the result that all conversations centre on the doings of the Ex. As tiresome and draining as this becomes for you and those who are doing the listening, it invites participation into a mudslinging match; people cannot be expected to listen without offering comment.

The strongest way to avoid the cycle of defending and loathing is to stop complaining. If you are genuinely seeking advice, be sure to be careful who you seek advice from, and ask directly. A direct and sincere approach can quickly focus your attention on the solution rather than the dramatic retelling of an annoying incident or two.

Believing it was my duty to protect the children and allow them the beauty of loving without influences of judgement, it took me nearly a decade to finally silence the critics.

How to Handle Changes with Family and Friends, Work and School

I had chosen to build a healthy Parenting Team, and this required that every shred of remaining respect and trust my Ex and I could muster be cultivated, not destroyed. If, as a result of talking with someone, I felt more unified and stronger in my commitment to building my Parenting Team, I would continue the conversation; however, if it left me feeling disenfranchised, frustrated, and emotionally drained, I would choose silence as the better future option.

There were many months when I did not have the personal strength to defend my situation, so I opted for silence. This gave me the time to neutralise and observe my thoughts and feelings while I heard the blatant half-truths being espoused as absolute facts upon which judgements ought to be based. This silent phase allowed me to transition towards a constructive way of ignoring the ignorance of others, rather than attempting to defeat the ignorant. I could uphold rather than defend - and this changed the tone of conversations about my Ex and his family.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.