Complex Family Blog

How to Avoid a Birthday Disaster for Your Child

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:46:00 GMT

Have you had those moments when you find yourself waking up while you gently hold a particular specialness because it's your little sweetheart's birthday today? If you have, you may also have felt the moment you realise your little sweetheart's bedroom is empty - and it's not because they're old enough to be out with friends. The reason their bedroom is empty is because you're a divorced parent and your beloved child is with your Ex.

Young children celebrating birthdays without you is one of the cold realities we face in parenting post divorce. Of course you'll hear the warm-fuzzy stories of those that manage to put all differences aside and take the “whole” family out for a picture-perfect day while everyone keeps up appearances for the children. But for most who have been through a divorce, it's a far cry from reality.

It is true that many children have said they would swap the best birthday present to have their parents stop fighting. It's also true that many children say that one of the benefits in having divorced parents is that they receive double presents. Both these sentences describe children beautifully. Their ruling desire to have greater harmony surrounding them and also their delight in being spoilt - and you can't blame them.

When our children have their birthday, they are given the opportunity to finally come out on top from the 'traditional family' kids. The inconvenience of their disruptive living arrangements as they shift between two homes fades very quickly when they get double bonus time. While I don't necessarily think it's a smart idea to have double parties, certainly double presents helps.

How To Handle The Big Events So We All Smile;
Keeping Special Events and Holidays Special Once Divorced.

If you're the parent who has the empty bedroom on your child's birthday morning, remember to make the call first thing in the day to let them know you're thinking of them. If you're the parent with the full house, allow your Ex to be part of the special day without a comment, look or suggestion that they're intruding. After all, quite possibly next year the shoe will be on the other foot and it'll be your turn.

I believe that birthdays are important to celebrate. This isn't because of the presents, nor the value of them. This is because in a world where our children sometimes struggle to feel significant, we give them one day each year that is uniquely special to them in our family culture. It's a chance to remember and celebrate their life in our home.

Annual celebrations, repetitive in nature, offer both the conflict and the resolution. If you can agree upon the importance of the day, perhaps you'll have more chance of avoiding (or at least) resolving any tension.

Here are four simple tips to start removing the conflict:

Let your child see both parents on their birthday if they want to - even if it's only brief and messes up your routine. Birthdays are their day and being free from routine rigidness will make it feel extra special.
Each year, alternate who puts on the Birthday Party. Taking turns with who will host is empowering and lets both parents have an occasion to make special in their own way.
Play to your strengths. Some parents are exciting birthday party parents and they give experiences that children cherish into adulthood. Some are not - and that's okay. It's about recognising what you're good at and becoming comfortable with it. If you're a more quiet birthday celebrator, have a quiet one while you go the extra mile to make it special.
Avoid the temptation to compete. Stop asking probing questions on who makes birthdays more fun or special. Avoid comparing or expressing your disappointment in happenings inside the Ex's place. Let the differences be without feeling inferior or superior to your Ex.

It's one day that your kids want to live childhood dreams - let them do it free from any disagreements between their parents. Remember: make Birthdays special and keep the reason for them in focus.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

The Best Way for Divorced Parents to Get Active

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:25:00 GMT

It's easy to believe reading an article on "Getting Active" you'll find new tips about fitness, diets, summer trimmings and all manner of hard-to-keep promises. If you too are over them then continue reading because I'm not talking about getting active in a fitness freak sense, I'm talking about avoiding one of the biggest traps divorced parents face when raising their children.

How often do we wish that our children could escape all the consequences of our divorce? We watch them coming and going, forgetting shoes, losing homework, calling us the other parent's name and we wonder how to protect them from it all. Feeling quite hopeless, we resort to the next best thing … the ostrich. We bury our heads in the sand and hope that in a little while this will all go away and our children will be fine.

Chances are our children will find their own way to cope with all the complexities your divorce has imposed upon their life, however "Getting Active" helps them adjust (not just cope) ensuring them far better developmental years while with you.

3 Steps to Getting Active with your Divorced Family:

I. Good Communication

If you're quiet, learn to talk. If you're talkative, learn to listen. Good communication starts with an environment where they're free. This means that they're comfortable talking with you about the Ex, the roller-coaster of emotions, moments of personal doubts and boundless youthful idealism.

It takes time to build predictable confidence with your children. They want to know that you're reliable and you won't judge them if they stuff up, goof off or even let you down. They'll test it because they want to know that you're there - regardless. Unconditional has already been broken; you're a divorced parent. The child's way of testing how conditional your relationship with them is will be through trial.

Keep the communication positive even when you disagree. Let your No be No. Let your Yes be Yes and always remember the wise saying of "Seek to understand before being understood."

II. Long-Term Perspective

It is very easy to become overly frustrated by the influence of your divorce, or the ongoing interference from your Ex into the children's lives. One of the most common questions asked of me is, "How do you know what's worth fighting over and what's not?" My answer; It's all about perspective.

Divorced parents fight over money and routines more than anything else. "Why is that important?", you ask. Simply this means that the majority of these parents have lost perspective.

How to Successfully Co-Parent after Divorce;
Parenting with the Ex Factor; by Jill Darcey

It's common for parents to fight for one or two more nights in a fortnight. They'll drag through two to three years of court battles, legal fees and bitterness to have their children an extra night or two. While they may win the battle, the war has been lost. Their children are raised in a dysfunctional family where mother and father cannot speak kindly nor politely to each other. They're usually unable to step foot inside the front door and the relationship breakdown is intensified for years.

The long term perspective would keep in mind that the children, when grown as adults, will not really remember the routine but rather the manner in which that routine was carried out. I would suggest that to accept a few less nights to have the harmony between mother and father is a far better perspective.

III. 'How' not 'What'

The best way to help our children adjust to all the complications post divorce is to teach them a very important life skill - How to think, not What to think. For centuries we have been taught what to think through what is normal, judged wrong, acceptable and pleasing. To question this thinking was also unacceptable. Nowadays questioning is acceptable, even encouraged.

The downside of questioning is people demand to understand why or how they do what they've otherwise just done. The upside, nonsensical and outdated thinking can rapidly change.

When you parent post divorce, one of the greatest gifts you can give children is to learn how to evaluate and make good choices for themselves. If they learn how to handle difficult circumstances, grumpy people, and inconveniences well, they'll thrive as adults.

Instead of trying to manage your Ex, control other's influences and overly protect their surroundings, start teaching them how to truly see what is going on around them. Once they're practiced at seeing, you can teach them how to handle it. You'll give them a gift for life.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

Managing Money Matters

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:20:00 GMT

If you're a parent, you will know how quickly money rushes out the door. It doesn't seem to matter how careful you are with watching the budget – children always seem to cost a little more than planned. Children cost a lot more than just money too and yet this is the one topic we argue about (or feel resentment over) more than most.

Money is one of the largest controlling forces on our planet today. It's powerful because we believe it's our single biggest answer to happiness. If we have more money, we will have more power and therefore more choices. This freedom of choice is what we believe creates happiness. If this argument was needed to be backed up by example, there would be an endless supply of them.

On the flip-side however, there are also many examples of those who step out from the grasp of the power money holds because they have understood choice, freedom and happiness come in that order and they choose a higher ideal to live by. It could be a religious order, conservationist or even someone who has chosen to have a more authentic and healthier lifestyle.

You may well ask, what does this have to do with parenting? Let me tell you: If you have the opportunity to put money in its place, whether you have a little or lot of it, you will develop greater parenting skills for your family.

Here are two simple secrets that can transform the way money is ruling your home:

1. Child Allowance (Pocket Money)

I encourage parents to have an allowance for their children. Often cast adrift as teens without much clue of financial matters, we're left to work out how money affects our lives. By instigating an allowance for your children, you will teach your children strong money-management skills early in life.

What does the allowance cover? Depending on your family, the allowance could cover clothes, shoes, haircuts, school uniforms, books, gifts for birthdays, Christmas, outings, games, top-ups for phones etc.

Money Matters; Find out what matters most and how to gain more of it.

How much to pay? As much as you believe it would cost you to buy these things. Take an average and pay this amount to your child each week, fortnight or month. Some families I know have done this as an annual amount. I wouldn't be able to afford that and it makes for some very hard months in the family towards the end of the year to teach the lesson so I prefer a more gentle approach and start small. In our home we took an amount (say $2 or $3.50) and then multiplied this by their age and paid that to them. This meant that every birthday they received a little bonus too.

Will they fail? Indeed they will. And I wanted mine to be in an environment when they could spend too much and not have the money for the next purchase so we could examine how they'd overspent. They all took turns at overspending. They've all learnt how to budget and save. It was a gentle, life-long lesson.

2. Child-Maintenance Payment

If you parent with an Ex, it is usual that you will have an agreement about Child-Maintenance Payment between you (unless you are on the benefit). If you receive the money from your Ex, I suggest you set up a separate bank account and have the money paid into this account. It sounds so simple and yet this is a very powerful technique to transform your financial arrangement.

Get an EFTPOS card for that account and ONLY use this money directly for the children. It is not to be used for anything else. You pay for school fees, extra tuition, pay part of the children's allowance and so on. Obviously if you're stuck out without funds to fill the car and you need to use some, that's going to be sensible to use but this money is not to fund your lifestyle, it is for the children. The point is, it's money you receive from your Ex because of the children.

This simple change will quietly grow gratitude and that is a very powerful medium of positive creation. Parenting with financial stress is a long term wearing down pressure that too many of us live with.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey ... and take the time to put money in its place; as a servant and not the master.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

Father's Day... Why Bother?

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:33:00 GMT

When the children's father no longer lives with you it's easy to excuse anything to help you forget the man who they call "Dad". Most divorced parents resent duplicity, and most think that making an effort for Father's Day, to a man they don't really care about too much is doing exactly that. More often than not, it's also a little bit of tit-for-tat because many absent fathers forget Mother's Day earlier in the year.

The most common phrase I hear when talking about Father's Day with Divorced Parents is "Why bother?".

Let me explain three good reasons why I believe making the effort on Father's Day matters...

It's better for the children to have a father in their family. Even if the children's father no longer lives with you, he is still an important part of the family. Even if you have a step-father in the children's lives, he does not replace the children's biological father. It's important that their father is included in their lives when possible - and when the rest of the country is celebrating Father's Day, it's best not to have our children feeling left out.
Teaching children respect, honour and when to cherish. Most parents complain about the lack of respect our young people live by these days. Home is where they learn. If you can teach your children to honour and respect their father - even if you could list his many faults - you will do well for their later years when they have full independence of how their relationship with you will be. Respect (as I say), is 'Caught not Taught'. Make sure your children catch it from you without a hint of disregard because you've felt that their father didn't measure up to your expectations.
A moment for you to practise gratitude. Gratitude is frequently thought of as an outcome, but gratitude can be a very powerful way to get more of the goodness you want. It costs nothing to give, and takes only a bit of thought. While I'm not pretending that there are no issues, it is an opportunity for you to just say 'thanks'. A simple way is to allow your children to remember Father's Day - and if you're going to see him, remember to say "Happy Father's Day".

It's not as though Father's Day creeps up on us and we don't know about it. It's advertised for weeks before hand. If you need ideas, they're everywhere you look but the most important thing is that you're not giving expecting this to win brownie points or hoping that Mother's Day will be remembered in return. This is about doing the best by your children.

How To Handle The Big Events So We All Smile;
Keeping Special Events and Holidays Special Once Divorced.

Depending on the ages of your children and your budget, how about encouraging your kids to make a card, bake some cup-cakes and decorate them, or offering to help them select and wrap a little gift. The point is keeping the focus on giving what the children want to give and in the way they want to give it.

If you have the children for the weekend of Father's Day, offer him to come and collect the kids for Sunday Brunch. If he doesn't want to pick-up / drop-off, it's obviously not that important to him so no big loss. If he wants to, it's a good display of loving your children where they benefit most of all. Like most parents, he'll be over the celebrations after the first ½ hour and the kids will be happy to have had the fuss before returning home with you for the rest of the day together.

Finally, it is really important to think a little ahead when you've fallen madly in love with the man of your dreams; one who helps out with the running around, pays for more than his share of the bills, and always has the wise words when dealing with your teens. When you have this man beside you, I'm sure you'd like your children to show a little appreciation of Father's Day for their Stepfather. In our house, Stepfather is celebrated in equal honour as the biological father - and he both deserves and enjoys it equally.

So step aside from the aches and pains of parenting with your Ex and salute Fathers who really do thrive with a little appreciation too.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

How do I talk with my children about sexuality?

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 07:57:00 GMT

For many of our generation, at best, we were handed a book and left to sort the rest out for ourselves. We gleaned information from our friends or snippets from movies and magazines to fill in the gaps, and we hoped the rest would all follow quite naturally. Obviously, as you are a parent, you have at least experienced sexual intimacy - however it may or may not automatically follow that you are comfortable to talk about it.

It is important to talk with your children (especially teens) about sexuality - and to do this regularly. It's a real mistake to think that a one-off fact talk on the 'birds and bees' will give your physically maturing teen enough perspective and the emotional maturity to make wise choices. If you constantly talk to them about sexuality and their 'love lives', you can overdo it, place undue pressure on them, or send signals of overprotective parents lurking in their intimate domain. Strive for balance; this will be different for each family, and for each child within the family, so here are a few pointers to help you along...

Does your child talk about sex (or sexuality in some form) frequently (daily or weekly)?  If they do, they need to feel free to communicate with you about their questions, concerns, and intrigues. If not, this doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to know about sexuality; more likely, they want the security that you are able to create a safe or accessible zone for them when they are ready to discuss something so intimate.

What type of movies, books, or media does your child choose?  If they are exposed to adult sexual acts while they are pre-adolescent, you are wise to direct their attention elsewhere. If they are teens and overly pursuing this, you need to add balance and turn their attention to broader horizons.
Does your teen show unusual levels of embarrassment or disengagement with sexuality?  This may mean they have insufficient confidence in their relationship with you to communicate with you about sex when they need too. If this is the case, they will turn to alternative sources.

Talking with your children about sexuality can sometimes call on you, as parent, to take a deep breath and keep a poker face - to avoid blurting out "You What?!" on the impulse to call a full-scale emergency. It's worth it; if you struggle with awkwardness, find a way to talk while you're doing something that doesn't take your concentration, but allows you to keep your eyes and energy focused elsewhere. You could go for a long drive, roast marshmallows over an open fire, or simply walk along a beach or park together. It is about creating an environment where steps of trust and respect can be shared.

Your children only need to know what is appropriate for their stage of development and experience. If they are not physically involved in sex, you do not need to explore the intricacies of sexual encounters or positions; however, you can expand on their concepts of sexuality to include both the emotional and spiritual components, and give them a more balanced and complete picture.

How to Talk to Your Children About Sexuality;
Sex talk for the teen who thinks they know it all.

Some things to avoid:

Avoid trying to scare them into abstaining - it will come back to bite you as their own experience may well contradict the scaring tactics; you will have lost credibility and damaged the potential for important communication in the future. Consider too, don't you want your adult children to have healthy and harmonious sexual relationships? Lies now can deeply affect their experiences later.
Avoid being overly protective - this is their choice, their life, and their bodies. While you want to give them all the good reasons to make wise choices, sometimes the only way they realise what you are saying makes sense is to try it for themselves. Your reaction to this will determine how far you will be included when they have future problems to solve.
Avoid living a poor example for them to follow. Sometimes this period of a child's development collides with your release from the unhappy marital relationship, and you can be tempted to make up for lost time. While this is entirely your own choice, make sure your children do not become the innocent watchers of a bedroom's revolving door. This does not foster physical, emotional, and spiritual sexual intimacy, but rather downgrades it to a display of fulfiling our simplistic animalistic urges.

Talking with your children about sexuality needs to be kept comfortable and respectful. They need to know very little of your own life story - as most children would rather believe they too came from a virgin birth than imagine their parents 'doing it'. When they feel comfortable to talk with you about their experiences, you will probably know more than you really wanted to; but consider the alternatives, and be grateful you have the opportunity to openly influence them.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

My Ex bought our children mobile phones even when I said 'No!'

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:56:00 GMT

This highlights the challenge when parenting with an Ex. The children will be delighted with their new toys, and for you to pour cold water on their enthusiasm is rather pitiful. You can share in their excitement and allow them to eagerly amuse themselves (as you might like to indulge yourself with such luxuries). Once you've passed through the initial glowing phase of newness, you can start to establish the boundaries (not blanket rules) for conduct in your home, and while out and about with you.

Rather than deal out rules, it's better to have conversations with your children about the impact these devices have on personal relationships; then you can agree about how it will be inside your home.

More often than not, this is a wake-up call for parents, as they begin to realise how they've been conducting themselves with their children. It's best to adjust parental behaviour before enforcing new standards upon the children - although doing it together will most likely allow for some humourous and gentle reminders to go both ways.

Adjusting to Shared Parenting - Rebuilding
or Tweaking; How to Continue on...

Remember you have no control, nor should you, over what the rules are inside the Ex's home. Over time, you may influence this through your children's preferences, but it is beyond your jurisdiction to attempt to change happenings with the Ex. Instead, this is an opportunity for your children to embrace being in two contradictory environments and to begin to learn discernment - and it may take a long time.

Discernment is where wisdom is gained through experience. It is being able to clearly see the array of options available, while you, as an individual, feel empowered to make a choice for the Highest Good of All, rather than yourself alone. This is growth in maturity, and will evolve quite naturally when fostered.

The way your children will develop this is through understanding the differences in how they feel when living in the two environments. It is not to say that the Ex's way is wrong, or that yours is better; it is to have your children begin to distinguish between the feelings their choices create. Begin to have them identify the choices that encourage creativity, spontaneity, harmony, peace, laughter, freedom, and joy - and those choices that don't. When they are able to feel the effects of their own choices - made while in contrasting environments - you give them a true Learning environment where mature independence can grow.

So let go of your resistance to the objectionable intrusion of a mobile phone (or other technology) into your home, and embrace the opportunity to establish a new form of learning for yourself and your children. After all, when handled well, the mobile phone may just become an asset that can make your life easier.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

My children fall short of the Ex's high expectations; now what?

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 04:33:00 GMT

Holding expectations regarding your children is natural, yet they are often a source of great debate between those who have opinions about the raising of children. Expectations are not really the issue though; it is the attachment we hold to these expectations that is the issue.

If we have been raised with little or no expectation of greatness, we find ourselves living within this restriction, and believe we don't have what it takes to succeed; therefore success can elude us. If we have grown up in a family that holds high expectations of greatness, the opportunity to achieve is increased.

Powerful Parenting Positions + 4 Elements our Children Need

It is important to have high expectations of children and believe they are capable to achieve their desired outcomes. It is often our belief that carries them through their troughs of personal doubt in the same way we may have had others who helped us through.

If your Ex has expectations of greatness for your children, do not reject or belittle them, but rather encourage the vision while you help to create further support. Remove the pressure as you maintain the possibility. If you invalidate the expectations your child's other parent holds for them it may do more to rob them of a dream than to free them from a prison. To remind your child of the character and qualities needed to build greatness is to add the steps of balance and practical commonsense.

Most children seek to find acceptance from their parents; it is in the maturing of ourselves as adults that we gain our own freedom from this inner search. Therefore, parental expectations are part of what promotes and defines our beliefs of what life holds in store for us; hence, it is preferable to have great expectations, but to be careful about the level of attachment we have to our children fulfilling these expectations. Your children's journey includes acceptance of their other parents' views, as they learn to validate the worthwhile expectations and release those that cause more harm than good.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

Should I Let My Child's Teacher Know We're Divorced?

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 19:20:00 GMT

For the good of your children, it's best their teachers know your family situation. It's not for compensation to be granted, but rather to ease communication. Your children are not unique because they come from a Complex Family; many schools are well-equipped to handle the complexities that arise - but they do need to know first.

The teachers do not need to know the details of any separation or divorce, but it can be helpful for them to know the general day-to-day care routine, along with the levels of cooperation or hostility between the parents. Your teachers are usually aware from observing your child's behaviour if they're in a happy home situation or not. However, they are also trying to teach another 30 children in a classroom, with equally valuable life stories; so instead of expecting teachers to be detectives, guessing what might be happening, a simple conversation at the beginning of the year will help.

How to Handle Changes with Family and Friends, Work and School

In our case, while the children were preteens and younger, I ensured that each teacher our children had was aware of the Complex Family environment within the first week or two of the new school year, and explained the cooperation between our homes. The teachers were always grateful to have the insight early, although it did not prove to be particularly necessary, given our belief that no special treatment was required. This said, there were times teachers wanted to classify our underachieving or poor-attitude child (because we've had them too), as another statistic of a broken-home or split-family, rather than addressing the real issues. In these cases, it became necessary for the teachers to understand that by buying into a rather poor paradigm, it would only enhance the levels of blame and excuses. Instead, we all needed to pull together and have parents and teachers hold consistent levels of expectations, appropriateness, and acceptability.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

How do I stop the gossip about me and my Ex?!

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 06:04:00 GMT

Part of what we go through when a relationship ends is acknowledging that it is not only about us and our children; it affects our family and friends as well. The demise of your relationship provides an opportunity for others to express their judgements about what could have, should have, or ought to have been. It is normal for your mixed emotions to be highlighted by the conversations or actions of others, especially when it comes from within your trusted and respected friendships.

The important part of this situation is not so much the defending, but rather asking yourself what are you saying or doing that would encourage others to speak negatively about your Ex? Although it may feel comforting to complain about your Ex, it doesn't take very long for this to become normal behaviour with the result that all conversations centre on the doings of the Ex. As tiresome and draining as this becomes for you and those who are doing the listening, it invites participation into a mudslinging match; people cannot be expected to listen without offering comment.

The strongest way to avoid the cycle of defending and loathing is to stop complaining. If you are genuinely seeking advice, be sure to be careful who you seek advice from, and ask directly. A direct and sincere approach can quickly focus your attention on the solution rather than the dramatic retelling of an annoying incident or two.

Believing it was my duty to protect the children and allow them the beauty of loving without influences of judgement, it took me nearly a decade to finally silence the critics.

How to Handle Changes with Family and Friends, Work and School

I had chosen to build a healthy Parenting Team, and this required that every shred of remaining respect and trust my Ex and I could muster be cultivated, not destroyed. If, as a result of talking with someone, I felt more unified and stronger in my commitment to building my Parenting Team, I would continue the conversation; however, if it left me feeling disenfranchised, frustrated, and emotionally drained, I would choose silence as the better future option.

There were many months when I did not have the personal strength to defend my situation, so I opted for silence. This gave me the time to neutralise and observe my thoughts and feelings while I heard the blatant half-truths being espoused as absolute facts upon which judgements ought to be based. This silent phase allowed me to transition towards a constructive way of ignoring the ignorance of others, rather than attempting to defeat the ignorant. I could uphold rather than defend - and this changed the tone of conversations about my Ex and his family.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

What is the Best Co-Parenting Routine or Plan?

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:10:00 GMT

This is a million-dollar question for which there is no one answer, but I have seen the best routine is the one that works for the entire family, not just the children - and not just the parents. Some professionals lead us to believe we need to choose if our parenting is child-centric or parent-centric while arriving at the conclusion. I would rather say that to form a great routine it needs to be family-centric, otherwise someone is losing, and it will be the quieter person or the first to buckle under pressure.

The reason no one routine is the best becomes apparent when we consider the number of aspects involved in formulating a great routine: geographical challenges, schooling requirements, after-school activities, and naturally, parents' commitments. When deciding on a routine, be aware that the requirements will change as the children grow. While the children are preschool age, frequent contact with both Mum and Dad is preferable because three days is a long time in their world. Once they reach teen years, three days becomes comparatively short. If you live close by to your Ex, the routine can often be a bit more flexible; if you live far away, changes to the routine can add hours of travel time and increased expenses.

For many years, the Ex and I lived in the same street; this allowed for convenient drop-offs and pick-ups. I kept a very open-home policy, and we maintained a routine of them with me for ten nights per fortnight. This geographical closeness provided ease of access if Dad and Stepmum liked to pop in, or if the children had asked to see them on their way to and from work.

In alternate week routines, sometimes younger children find the gap too long between visits, but there is a nice simplicity with them being settled for a week in one place. One of the main considerations with this routine is the times things are forgotten. This can particularly affect the child regarding their classroom activities; while many 'forgotten' items can be done without for a week, it becomes quite a disruption to teachers if they constantly have to compensate for the child's forgetfulness, while trying to be supportive of their home life. One way to resolve this is to work out a way to remind your children of all they need before leaving for the week. If you need to have a checklist, make one. It is a balance between growing awareness of their own responsibility and your understanding and acceptance of the complexity in their home scenario.

Forming the agreement can be a little tricky at times. Over the years, we tried most types of routines, including the parents moving while the children stayed in the same house since they were the innocent ones. To be fair, it didn't work; but at least we knew we had given it a go. We have had great challenges in agreeing on routines. Whenever it called for a review, we would go back and forwards for several weeks until we had viewed it in the context of the family as a whole, instead insisting on the principle or timetable we initially wanted to fulfil. Upon reflection, one of the routines that stuck for years, I shouldn't think any court in the land would have assessed as satisfactory, yet it was the best for us all and one that we could agree upon as a Parenting Team. Our children were mostly happy, and we, as parents, were satisfied - although I had strong feelings for an alternative. The reason that routine stuck for many years was because it reasonably fulfilled the core principles of a good routine even though it saw a fair amount of coming and going.

Smart Shared Parenting Plans and Routines; How to create the best routines for your family.

The routine was I had the children every day after school to do after- school activities and homework, and it gave them a place of consistency. For the nights, the first week they would stay with me, next week with Dad, changing over on Friday. Stepmother collected them from me at 6:00 p.m. for the week they were to be with them.

So far, so good. Here is the twist - and the part that caused issues for us to form agreement.

Dad played sports on Tuesday nights so seemed pointless to him to have the children. As a result, instead of a full week at each place, we had Monday nights at Dad's and Tuesday nights at Mum's with the balance of the nights in the week-about pattern. This caused more confusion than you care to imagine, but we all managed to work with it to accommodate Dad's preference.

Establishing a great routine is not about holding to an ideal, but rather doing the best we can while allowing for flexibility. A good routine has some key characteristics:

Reasonable time in each place: not sleeping in a different bed every night.
Not too long between change-overs: able to survive when something is forgotten so it ceases to become a calamity.
Consistency: easy to remember and able to book time for future dates, working out who has who when.
Flexibility: when the unforeseen happens, we can call upon our Ex's support.

All this being said and done, the greatest routine will provide both benefits and perhaps an element of inconvenience for all involved. It is about focusing on what works and continuing to refine the parts that do not flow as well.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

My Ex Calls Our Kids Every Day ... It's So Invasive!

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:08:00 GMT

This is one of the most common irritations for both a Leaver and a Leavee - and sometimes also the children. Many parents have ended up fighting with their kids in an effort to make them talk on the phone to their other parent. Completely disinterested, the child reluctantly comes to the phone and leaves the phoning parent feeling a tad disappointed and disconnected.

Staying in contact with your children on a daily basis is often important during the early stages of separation, especially when they are young. However, it is natural for your kids to be focused on who they are currently with, and they, more often than not, adopt an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality. It is therefore questionable exactly who it is that needs the calls; is it the parents or the children?

To avoid this constant irritation, the parent who has the day-to-day care of the child needs to accept that both the Ex and the children may have a strong desire to stay in contact. This said, it's reasonable to put some predictable timeframes on when it will be least disruptive to the family's flow.

For the parent who makes the calls, ask yourself, "Am I building independence for my children, or a neediness?". In a complex family, non-daily contact with your kids is a byproduct of this environment and one you are best to quickly accept...

Co-Parenting Childcare & Custody Routines; Day-to-day care and the routines that really work.

If your children are secure in knowing they are free to reach you when they need you, they are less likely to need to, and more likely to want too.

If you can grant them this freedom, and become comfortable with contact during your established routines, you will help to remove complications such as guilt, emotional manipulation, or interpreted pestering. The other benefit gained from such ease is that it will diminish your kid's constant hankering to be somewhere else other than where they currently are. Practice in resolving these issues now will greatly assist them throughout their lives.

Trying to solve the constant contact problem by mobile phones does not so much provide a solution, but rather opts to avoid the irritations and neediness experienced by either parent. While it's convenient for parents and children to keep in touch via mobiles, it is a poor substitute for dealing with any insecurity we may feel because we are not in daily contact with our children.

I spent much of my early separated years demanding that my kids come and talk to their dad on the phone as he called on his way home from work. His phone call normally came at a time inconvenient for the kids and me, and always left me feeling frustrated. I had to deal with my frustration, but did my Ex discover the calls were more for him than the kids, and realise he was often left with the feeling they were disinterested? I don't know, but eventually the calls were replaced with a natural security; they all came to know they could make contact when they wanted to, rather than following a preset schedule.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments about tips 'n tricks in your complex family, then I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

When Your Ex's Partner is Stepparent

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:07:00 GMT

If you're a parent, you'll want to try practicing what I'm about to share with you ... and I admit, it's often far easier said than done. If you're a stepparent, then most likely you'll want to feel this from your stepchildren and their biological parents.

Giving permission for your children to love both homes equally, but uniquely, includes loving everyone inside these two places. This is achieved through the power of your actions, and then backed up by your words – and not the other way around.

You do this because without it your children will feel they still live within a split and broken home, and your children deserve the opportunity to thrive in a Complex Family, not a broken one.

Inside the Mind of Stepparents; A Unique Perspective; Our Stepparents View.

Your children deserve to be given the freedom to decide for themselves if their stepparent is adding, rather than subtracting from their life and the life of their other parent.

Your children deserve to be free from the adult complexities, love their stepparent for all they bring, and not have to focus on the could, would, or ought to have been.

For your children to be free to make their own assessment of life between two homes, you need to begin educating them towards How to think, rather than What to think - a powerful difference their adult years will appreciate, as it will give strength and conviction to their choices. Your children learn this vital process as they observe varying personal values being lived, watch the consequences, and benefit from the experience.

If you pollute their minds with tales of woe about their stepparents' influence, you will dilute the power of natural learning.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions or comments about stepparenting challenges, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

When Your Children Mess Up; The Ticket or the Lecture?

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 08:28:00 GMT

When your kids have messed up, do you dish out the ticket or the lecture? This is a common trap for us all. When the natural consequences sometime appear to be inadequate to the crime committed, as parents we tend to adopt the next best thing - lectures!

A little while ago, a friend relayed a story of a time he had been indulging in driving too quickly as he tested the power of his latest purchase.

How to Discipline Your Children Beyond Divorce

A traffic officer pulled him over to the side of the road, started the normal procedures to check the car registration, driver license, warrant of fitness, and other items on their mandatory checklist. Our friend, hoping he would be lucky enough to get off with just a warning, was friendly and obliging. Without a change in tone or stance, the officer started writing out a ticket and with it started to tell him about his shortsighted behaviour in breaking the speeding laws.

Our friend interrupted, "Are you giving me a ticket?"

"Yes," replied Mr. Officer.

"It's the ticket or the lecture; but not both!" our friend retorted.

This is a conversation that frequently jumps to mind as an extremely valuable lesson for us as parents. Let your children have the natural consequence, but don't bore them with the lecture. It is their choice, and they were prepared to live with the consequences, so let them learn. The lecture only adds to your angst and does little to get the message across.

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

Do My Children Have One Home or Two?

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:02:00 GMT

I'd like to firstly take your attention for a few minutes while I answer a really important question that I've been asked ... "Are my children meant to have one or two homes now we're divorced?" It's strange that this is one of the most confusing for parents to come to terms with - and yet it's not.

What you're about to learn is going to give you the opportunity to understand more about your Ex - and while that may not really seem that important to you - it is to your children.

Your children want their parents to 'just get along' more than anything else. They usually don't expect you to get back together. They don't expect you to be best buddies. They don't even want to share in all the family events together ... they just want you to get along when you do need to be in the same room together.

Throughout my many years of research, it's also evident that the parent that has the hardest time allowing this to happen is the person who is what I term the 'Leavee'. This means that they didn't choose for the marriage to end, or if they did make the final call, it was because they were living in circumstances that had them feel they were forced to end it - such as their Ex was having an affair. In short; they'd prefer to be in the marriage.

My research also shows that typically a Leavee has such a strong desire for their children to have a single home with them that they'll even correct their children when they talk about the Ex's house as being home. You'll over hear things like, "No Sweetie, this is home, that's ___ house, you've only got one home remember, you visit ___'s place."

Here's the part that we can easily overlook through our own deep feelings of hurt. While it may be true that your children spend most of their time with you, for your children, both parents are equally important.

For them to have to cast value on who's place is more important is to tell them they're not allowed to enjoy their parents equally.

That's either really confusing, or hurtful to your child.

The reality is your children will call the place where they feel they belong "home". It's not so much the place they lay their heads to rest at night, it's the place that they recognise for themselves. They'll want to belong with both their mother and father ... this is natural for children.

So, I understand that part of you feels that you're losing them between two homes, yet for your children perhaps see if you can help them see what they're gaining.

How do you see what they're gaining when you can only see what they're losing - and also what you're losing? One way that can help you to start seeing some gains is if you have a friend who has been through a divorce, and their arrangements hindered them from seeing their own child.

If you have watched the emotional turmoil that your friend has been through, and the children's desire to be with their parent, you may get just a glimpse into how much your friend and their children want two homes.

It's always amazing to me how much we can accept things in our friends circumstances - and sometimes even gang up against their Ex - and yet when it's in our own life, we judge harshly.

So, while it's understandable, it's also explainable ... and it's really helpful to give your children the opportunity to call home wherever they feel they belong.

I'd like to also talk about how to create the two homes ... it's more than just going out and buying new beds, a few toys and hoping that it's enough to have your children feel like they belong.

There are differences between the two homes that effect every level of their worlds.

Actually there are five major categories that I cover in more detail inside my "Routines That Rock" program where we discuss each of them.

I'll share the things that really work for your children. The issues that these differences create and the way you can hold your children's hands while they adjust to them.

You can start today by investing in you and your family's happiness to receive:

A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.
Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.
A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.
And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.

These are real answers to your Routine problems - and they can be solved today.

Smart Shared Parenting Plans and Routines; How to create the best routines for your family.

* 50% Off - Last Spots Going Fast! *

I don't want you to miss out, as my 'Routines that Rock' program can really reduce the shared-parenting routine nightmares for you and your children. I'm told that today's the last day I'm able to offer you my program for 50% off list price.

To get routines really working for you and your children, you can have my entire 10hr video program for a steel ... Buy today using the code RTR1110 (at checkout)

Like to take action without risk? You're fully protected by my unconditional 1-MONTH money back guarantee. If you invest in my program and then don't feel this is right for you, just send me a quick email (within 1 month of purchase) saying so, and I'll give you your full cost of purchase back!

You only get to raise your children once - don't leave it to chance - your kids are worth it!

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

My Teen Wants to Live with the Ex

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:02:00 GMT

If you've read or listened to me speaking, you'll know that I'm an advocate for children staying together and moving as a 'unit'. It's more of an All or None approach when deciding on the routine of who goes where when. As life is often not so black 'n white, nor so simplistic in it's approach, I'd like to raise one issue where this rule needs to be considered in shades of grey instead.

What you're about to learn is how you handle the demand from your teen, who insists they want to go and live with your Ex permanently, stepping out of the coming-and-going between two homes.

You'll learn what questions to ask and what motives you're looking for.

You'll learn the observed consequences of other teens who have done this - and their surprised results.

You'll learn what to do when you have no choice.

Let's start with the big one first - the determining factor in this equation.

Why is your teen asking?

There's usually a few predictable answers to this question. While all answers are valid, there is one that you're looking out for.

If the reason is because of a personality conflict between siblings or with you, to have them move out and avoid dealing with it, will only postpone the inevitable.

What I mean by this is that if your teen is just sick and tired of their younger brother and sister, it doesn't serve them to avoid spending time together.

It may suit them, but its doesn't serve them.

It breeds into them a pattern of avoidance that can be challenging for them to break in their personal relationships in years to come.

So, you'll need a few smart ways of dealing with this and the first I offer is visibility of the problem.

It's true for most of us that when problems are kept in the dark, we tend to fear them more than once they're brought out into the light. Once we see them, we can start dealing with what's in front of us.

To bring light into this problem, you'll need to have a loving and caring conversation with your teen alone about the frustrations that relationships provide and how to handle them.

If it's because of siblings, you'll want to have this similar (age appropriate) conversation with your other children too - and you'll want to have it as a family.

If it's because of you, you'll want to work on this to bridge the gaps in the relationship between you. It's okay that this happens - it's using it as a way to learn and grow from it rather than seeing it as something that has gone wrong.

Take the time to gently expose the hurts and frustrations. Talk about the feelings of perhaps lack of support or their lack of feeling like they belong.

If you can use their request to move out and live with your Ex as a point in your relationship to really talk and change some poor patterns, then you have gained so much.

This said, there are times when regardless of what you do now, they've made up their mind and they're going to move out.

When this happens, your best approach is to openly and warmly accept that this is their choice, and let them go freely.

After all, you know who they're about to live with...

More times than I care to mention ... they'll be home soon enough!

Your job then is to welcome them home and resist the temptation to say "I told you so".

Of course, there are many other reasons why this may come up with your teen, and I'm not going to go into them all here today - that's in my "Routines That Rock" program.

What I can tell you though is that there is a difference between your teen expressing their desire, an option, having power, and their belief in this power.

When we feel emotionally involved (as we do with our children), discussions like these can cut us really deeply. It's perfectly normal. So while it can be a painful process to hear what your teen has to say, remember, the time will come when living at home is no longer in your child's, nor your, best interest.

Smart Shared Parenting Plans and Routines; How to create the best routines for your family.

There is no absolute age that it all changes either with circumstances being a major factor in this equation. What is really important for you though, is to learn your own boundaries and where to place them.

I'm going to go into more detail about this in my program, so if you think this is relevant to your life right now, I encourage you to invest into your family to receive the answers. The next 20 parents still receive my 20% discount ... and you can start today to receive:

A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.
Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.
A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.
And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.

These are real answers to your Routine problems - and they can be solved today.

If you feel like you're losing your teen, then let me help you solve this problem...

You only get to raise your children once - don't leave it to chance - your kids are worth it!

Until next time, all the best on your parenting journey.

PS: If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

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My Ex Calls Our Kids Every Day ... It's So Invasive!

When Your Ex's Partner is Stepparent

When Your Children Mess Up; The Ticket or the Lecture?

Do My Children Have One Home or Two?

*** 50% Off - Last Spots Going Fast! ***

My Teen Wants to Live with the Ex

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